Application For A Cat

Your Name:

Address of home I will be assuming:

Square footage of home:

Total Sq. Ft. of human sleeping quarters (referred hereinafter as "Servant's Quarters")(Not to exceed 5% of home sq. footage):

My sleeping quarters will be (circle one):

• On a cat bed.
• On your bed. (referred hereinafter as "my" bed)
• On the floor.
• On the furniture.
• On the stairs.
• In the garage.
• Anywhere I want.

Number of human children in my home:

Number of children who might pull my tail:

Previous cat experience (circle all that apply):

• I have recently owned one or more cats.
• I was recently owned by one or more cats.
• Fed a cat.
• Been slept on by a cat.
• Cleaned a litter box.
• Bathed a cat.
• Been scratched by a cat.
• Picked cat fur off my clothes.
• Picked cat fur out of my eyes.
• Accidentally ran over a cat.
• Allergic to cats.
• Chased cats out of yard.
• Cleaned up cat puke.
• Stepped in a hairball.

Any Canines in residence? (circle one):

• No
• No

Have you ever had a cat run away from this address in the last three years?

If yes, please explain yourself:

Your Expected salary (circle one):

• $200 weekly
• $100 weekly
• Nothing, just the satisfaction of knowing you took me in.
• You pay me for living with you.

Location of litter box (circle one):

• Laundry Room
• Living Room
• Garage
• Bathroom
• Dining Room
• Pantry
• Nook
• Kitchen
• None (outside)

Cat will have outside privileges? (circle one):

• Yes
• Yes

Cat will be de-clawed? (circle one):

• No
• No

Servant names (List all dwellers of home, including yours):

Breakfast will be served not later than (circle one):

• 6am
• 6am

Dinner will be served (circle one--careful, there is only one right answer):

• 5pm
• 6pm
• 7pm
• Upon demand.
• Eat what's left over from breakfast.

Menu (circle all that apply):

• Friskies
• Whiskas
• 9-Lives
• Meat Loaf
• BBQ Chicken
• Filet Mignon
• Tournedos with Bearnaise
• Roti De Porc Poele
• Filet of Fish Poached in Wine Sauce
• Shoulder of Lamb
• Veal Prince Orloff
• Sauteed Scallops
• Salmon Pate

Desserts (circle all that apply):

• Pounce
• Twinkies
• Donuts
• Ice Cream
• Spongecake
• Strawberries in Bavarian Cream
• Caramel Almond Custard
• Chocolate Mousse
• Vanilla Sauce Souffle
• Upside Down Apple Tart
• Crepes with Orange Butter
• Three Butter Cream cake

List three references that I might contact (No dogs, please):

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.

He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proof-reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

You know you are in California if:

• You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
• It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You can't remember... is pot legal?
• You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• You can't remember... is pot legal?
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep. is a guy in drag.
• It's sprinkling out and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"
• Hey... is pot legal?
• Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
• Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
• Yeah, you're sure...? pot is legal.

And finally, a question:

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.

You know if you are from Wisconsin if

• You've never met any celebrities
• Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a  tractor on the highway.
• You can gauge the depth of your relationship by the number of fingers yourfriends use to wave to you as you pass by on the road.
• "Vacation" means playing miniature golf at the Dells.
• You've seen all the biggest bands 10 years after they were popular.
• You measure distance in minutes.
• The corner bar is decorated with neon Pabst signs instead of hanging ferns.
• You know several people who have hit a deer.
• Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
• Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
• You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
• You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
• You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
• You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
• You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
• A clean bowling shirt is appropriate attire for a wedding.
• You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
• You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to town, I wanna go with."
• All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain or animal.
• You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave both unlocked.
• You think of the major four food groups as cheese, beer, brats, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
• You carry jumper cables in your car.
• You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
• You own just three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
• The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page, requires six pages for sports.
• You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
• You find --20 degrees F "a little chilly."
• You know all four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

On a Plumbers truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:

"Don't sleep with a drip.  Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows."

On an electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking  for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill.  However, if you don't, you will be."

Actual Classified Ads

• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Trivia

• The citrus soda "7-UP" was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
• Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
• Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
• American car horns beep in the tone of F.
• No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
• Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
• The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
• The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
• A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
• The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
• Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
• The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of Varieties of pickles the company once had.
• The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called "aglets".
• Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
• The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
• Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
• Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a "Pez" dispenser.
• Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
• Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
• Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
• All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
• The sound of "E.T." walking was made by someone squishing their hands in jelly. Debra Winger was the voice of "E.T."
• Pearls melt in vinegar.
• It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
• Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
• Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

Market Perspectives

• Peter Lynch - "When you sell in desperation, you always sell cheap."
• Peter Lynch - "Ultimately it is not the stock market nor even the companies themselves that determine an investor's fate.  It is the investor."
• Peter Lynch - "If you can't convince yourself 'When I'm down 25%, I'm a buyer' and banish forever the fatal thought 'When I'm down 25%, I'm a seller,' then you'll never make a decent profit in stocks."
• George Michaelis - "Far from being an indication of the long term future, we find in this erosion of multiples the source of our fundamental optimism."
• Warren Buffett - "People's investments would be more intelligent if stocks were quoted once a year."
• Warren Buffett - "The future is never clear; you pay a very high price in the stock market for a cheery consensus. Uncertainty actually is the friend of the buyer of long term values."
• Warren Buffett - "The most common cause of low prices is pessimism -- sometimes pervasive, sometimes specific to a company or industry.  We want to do business in such an environment, not because we like pessimism but because we like the prices it produces.  It's optimism that is the enemy of the rational buyer."
• Warren Buffett - "We have usually made our best purchases when apprehensions about some macro event were at a peak. Fear is the foe of the faddist, but the friend of the fundamentalist."
• Warren Buffett - "Successfully forecasting short term stock price movements is something we think neither we nor anyone else can do."
• John Keynes - "I feel no shame at being found still owning a share when the bottom of the market comes. I do not think it is the business, far less the duty, of an institutional or any other serious investor to be constantly considering whether he should cut and run on a falling market, or to feel himself open to blame if shares depreciate on his hands. I would go much further than that. I should say that it is from time to time the duty of a serious investor to accept the depreciation of his holdings with equanimity and without reproaching himself.  Any other policy is antisocial, destructive of confidence, and incompatible with the working of the economic system. An investor is aiming, or should be aiming primarily at long-period results, and should be solely judged by these."
• Philip Fisher - "I have seen many investors dispose of a holding that was to show stupendous gain in the years ahead because of this fear of a coming bear market."
• Gerald Loeb - "At long intervals even the highest grade shares become depressed, and then the opportunities are especially great."
• Paul Samuelson - "The stock market has forecast eight of the last three recessions."
• John Templeton - "The time of maximum pessimism is the best time to buy, and the time of maximum optimism is the best time to sell."
• John Templeton - "To buy when others are despondently selling and to sell when others are greedily buying requires the greatest fortitude, even while offering the greatest reward."

A hip young man

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. " Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari? " the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.  Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearingdown on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!  Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out,and unbelievably, the old man is STILL ALIVE!!!!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God!  Is there anything I can do for you?""  The old man whispers with his dying breath.... "Unhook....  my..... suspenders...... from......your....side-view mirror.

ONLY IN AMERICA!

A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued.... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the man for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced him to 24 months in jail and $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Darwin Award Contest.

HANDY ENGINEERING CONVERSIONS

• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
• Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
• 6.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
• 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
• Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
• 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
• 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
• 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
• 10 cards: 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
• 10 rations: 1 decoration
• 100 rations: 1 C-ration
• 2 monograms: 1 diagram
• 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
• 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Zero tolerance for idiots!

To all of us with zero tolerance for idiots! This has got to be one of the funniest. I think this guy should have been  promoted, not fired.

This is a true story form the  Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed  from a  recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was  fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word  Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee now I know why they record  these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden  the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. so what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it  won't accept anything when I type."

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?”

Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't  accept anything I type."

"Does you monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

“It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like  a TV. Does it have a  little light that tells you  when it's on?"

"I don't know." 

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord does into it. Can you see  that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the  wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are.I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh hun, Well, can you see if it is?"

"No." 

"Even if you maybe put you knee on something and lean  way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office  light is off, and the only light I have is coming in is from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power  failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.“

“Do you  still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff  your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them  in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your  system and pack it up just like it was when you  got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Two guys from International Falls, Minnesota

die and wake up in Hell. The next day the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming  themselves around the fire.

The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, ya know, Sven and I are from nordern Minnesoda, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."

The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.

The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and  mittens.

The  Devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Ole does the talking. "Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from nordern Minnesoda, the land of snow  and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, ya know."

This gets the Devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix those two. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go.

The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Minnesota and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.

The Devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself."

Sven says, "Vell, ya know, ve don't get too much varm wedder up dere in International Falls, we've just got to have a fish fry when the weather's this nice."

The Devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. These two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The Devil decides to turn off all the heat in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth.

The  Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Minnesotans. He finds Ole and Sven back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The Devil is dumbfounded.  "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat  you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

Ole looks at the Devil in surprise and says, "Vell, don't ya know, If Hell froze over dat must mean da Vikings finally won da SuperBowl!"

YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
• Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• No one is listening until you fart.
• Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• Don't squat with your spurs on.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
• Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
• Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

Do you speak Minnesotan?

• LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
• LOG OFF: don't add vood.
• MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove.
• MEGAHERTZ: vhen a big log drops on your barefoot in da mornin'.
• FLOPPY DISK: vhat you get from piling too much vood.
• RAM: da hydraullic thing dat makes da voodsplitter vork.
• HARD DRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter.
• PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.
• ENTER: come on in!!
• WINDOWS: vhat ya close vhen it gets 10 degrees below zero.
• SCREEN: vhat is a must during mosquito season.
• CHIP: vhat ya munch during da Vikings game.
• MICROCHIP: vhat's left inda bag vhen da chips are gone.
• MODEM: vhat ya did to da hayfields last Yuly.
• DOT MATRIX: Sven Matrix's vife.
• LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit.
• KEYBOARD: vhere ya supposed to put da keys so da Misses can find em.
• SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
• MOUSE: vhat leaves dem little turds in da cupboard.
• MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof.
• PORT: vhere da commercial fishin boats dock.
• RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new fishhouse vhen da Misses asks about it.

IDIOTS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!

IDIOTS IN SERVICE...

This week, ALL our phones went dead, and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 AM and 7:00 PM. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked, "would you like us to call before we come?" He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (?????Does your e-mail work without a telephone line???)

IDIOTS AT WORK...

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS...

Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Idiot Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Idiot Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Idiot Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Idiot Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Courtroom proceedings

During courtroom proceedings, all utterings are noted by a clerk. Here are some of the most humourous ones. These and more can be found in the following books, "Humor in the Court" 1977 and "More Humor in the Court" 1997.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?

A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?

A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?

A: It indicates intercourse.

Q: Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

THE DALAI LAMA

HERE IS SOMETHING THE DALAI LAMA PASSES ON TO YOU:

This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, which begins 01/01/2001. All it takes is a few seconds to read and think about.

Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

• Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others responsibility for all your actions.
• Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
• Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
• Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
• When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
• Spend some time alone every day.
• Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
• A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
• In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
• Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
• Be gentle with the earth.
• Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
• Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
• Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
• Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

A bricklayer's accident report

This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure...

Dear Sir

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form, because I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I  am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of  mind  and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Albert Einstein arrives at a party

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout those Packers?"

Guns vs. Doctors

Number of  physicians in the US = 700,000

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000

Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171

(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US = 80,000,000

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) = 1,500

Accidental deaths per gun owner = 0.0000188

(U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms)

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Taken from the Benton County News Tribune on the seventeenth of November, 1999.

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words

• The Lord's Prayer: 66 words.
• Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
• The Ten Commandments: 179 words.
• Lincoln's Gettysburg address: 286 words.
• The US Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
• The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

Time management

One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz."

Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide mouth Mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said, "Yes."

Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out abucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jarcausing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks.

Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?"

By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted.

Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.

Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!"

"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."

What are the "big rocks" in your life? Time with your loved ones?...Your faith, your education, your dreams? A worthy cause? Teaching or mentoring others?.... your high priority tasks and responsibilities?

Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.

SUBJECT: COMPUTER HELP CENTER

A woman called the Canon help desk, about a problem she was  having with her  printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it  under Windows."  The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working  just fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the  same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the  letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer:  "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer:  "I'm not going to do that!"

The following conversation was overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom, to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it.  He said he needed to keep it.

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

I work for a local ISP.  Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah." 

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" 

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Customer: "My  computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it  won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before.  I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support:  "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

I got a call from a woman who said that  her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was  smearing only the bottom half.

I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet.  It printed fine. I asked  her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.

I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division  for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.   She could not print yellow. 

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.  Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had  the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.  After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,  "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's Tec support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer."

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the  same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 (help) button over twenty minutes ago!"

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

The original funny (below) was forwarded to my department by an Aussie.  One of our American editors took it upon himself to create a brutal rebuttal. Rather funny, me thinks.

- - - - - Original 'funny':

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Our editor's rebuttal:

As an apparent member of the extreme minority of Americans who do, indeed, realize there is a world beyond our borders, I take offense at the impending re-assimilation into English society and revocation of our independence.

First, the English seem to have problems remembering percentages.  I cite, for example, the discrepency between the 97.85% and 98.85% mentioned in the aforementioned notice of independence revocation.  Which is it?  I would expect this kind of percentage and counting problem in a state like Florida, but not the regal English state.

Second, give up on the whole "Royal Family" thing, we're not buying it any more.

Third, I was fully aware of what the word "merde" means. I use it all the time in reference to English and French cuisine.

Fourth, I will fight to my dying breath any attempt to make me sit through a soccer (I'm sorry, "football") match. Two hours is an incredibly long time to watch a bunch of people play "keep away."

Fifth, I will never fully trust German automobiles, especially Volkswagons, which it is rumored Hitler himself had a hand in designing.

Sixth, learning a new national anthem, particularly "God Save the Queen," would be of little use given the queen's advancing age. It's out of God's hands at this point.

Seventh, there's a reason that people with English accents are traditionally cast in bad guy roles. It's because English accents sound suspicious and conniving and mean.  I cite, for example, the overuse of the adjective "bloody."

Eighth, there really is no difference between English and Australian accents.  There's only slight variations on how suspicious, conniving and mean both accents sound.

Finally, Lee Harvey Oswald killed JFK. Everybody knows that.

IBM new hire tips

• Look for inspiration outside the office.
• When you're stuck, try solving the problem by asking an entirely different question (ie, getting at the solution in a new way).
• Be specific -- say exactly what hill you're trying to conquer. Don't try to conquer everything at once.
• Be passionate about what you do. Passion is infectious.
• Instead of sending an e-mail, use the phone. Or better yet, meet face-to-face.
• Explain your idea to a kid.
• Come in early -- enjoy the quiet.
• Invite comments from a colleague who has a completely different opinion. Listen carefully.
• Cruise a competitor's website.
• Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
• When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
• Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
• Take it one day at a time. Don't try to figure out everything immediately. You can't.
• Have lunch. Take a little time to get to know your colleagues.
• Enjoy the moment. Don't forget to have fun in your new job.
• Give some thought when selecting your IDs. You have to live with them for a while.
• Find a champion or two and makes friends with them.
• Conduct yourself in such a way that people enjoy having you around.
• Find someone who can read between the lines for you on MyNews announcements about reorganizations.
• Know at least 75% of any subject you're discussing; appear to know 100%.
• Know what to tell your boss and what not to tell your boss.
• Be on time. It shows that you respect your colleagues' time.
• Be yourself. It's a compliment if someone says you're the same person in the office as you are at home.
• It's OK to disagree. Just don't be disagreeable.
• Nobody ever on his or her deathbed said, "I should have spent more time in the office."
• Talk less, say more. Consider your contribution.
• When you meet someone who's skill or knowledge impresses you, write down their name and number and toss it in a file. You'll run into situations where you say to yourself "I wish I knew someone who is knowledgeable of ___________."
• Be a pack rat. Save your presentations, studies, statistics, etc. There is value in historical information.
• Develop routines. Always carry your airline tickets in the same place, file papers the same way, etc. It will save you aggravation and time.
• Build a list of helpful people you meet and make it a habit to stay in touch with them throughout your career.
• Learn how to play the game early. Don't be afraid to voice your opinion but recognize when to back off and accept someone else's advice.
• Never order a beverage in flight if your ThinkPad's open.
• Open yourself to other IBMers. You never know when someone will become a valuable resource.
• Never think "never." The playing field is constantly changing.
• Process your expenses as soon as you can after a trip.
• Request an airplane's "exit row" seat: more room for your ThinkPad.
• Find ways to communicate with your manager on a regular basis; you need to make sure you're working on the right things.
• Volunteer for team projects -- it's a great way to build relationships while getting work done.
• IBM is very big and complex -- people expect new folks to ask tons of questions.
• Make sure you find ways to update your manager on your progress -- frequently.
• Speak up at meetings -- your fresh ideas may be of real value.
• Find out who's the best in certain areas and ask if you can work with them on a project -- apprenticeship is the best way to learn.
• Never do any work if you do not understand its purpose.
• Ask folks about how they get things done -- you will learn a lot of shortcuts.
• Make sure you deliberately find ways to spend time to get to know everyone on your team -- the extra effort you make will pay off later. Ask folks about how they get things done -- you will learn a lot of shortcuts.
• If you don't understand something, say so when it's being discussed. Don't wait until after the meeting to track someone down.
• You should meet with your manager at least one time each month to discuss how're you doing.
• Work hard, smart and meet your commitments. It's better to build a reputation within your team as someone who can be counted on than as someone who works hard.
• Remember to have fun! Be able to laugh at the complexities and keep your perspective.
• Have a personal plan and do not lose your focus.
• Know your PBC's. (You've got to focus on what you are being measured on the minute you hit the door, especially if you're on the road and you don't see your manager very often).
• IBM is way big...don't try to understand the entire company on your first day. Focus on making a difference in your corner of the world, and the rest will fall into place.
• Learning is in -- IBM encourages education and development. Take full advantage of the offerings.
• Learn your tools -- you may think VM is dumb, but you need it, so it's best youunderstand it.
• Only you can make it happen -- don't expect success to fall into your lap.
• We are family! You'll soon begin to realize that you work with people who care about you as a human being. Take advantage of new friendships.
• Get to know someone who has been around for a while -- they can be a wealth of information and knowledge and can often give you some advice that will help you get started in the right direction. As you move along in your career, don't lose their number.
• Learn about people: their interests, skills, technical abilities, job interests, etc. and keep in touch.
• Don't just look for help -- also offer it when appropriate.
• Build databases either on your computer or 3x5 cards of those people who could help you with their skills, etc. and those whom you feel you might be of assistance to in the future.
• A future job could depend on how well you have networked.
• There's a lot of things to learn. Be patient, you don't need to learn it all in one day -- but you need to have good notes of what you did learn in that day.
• Initiative, initiative, initiative! Getting to learn the IBM culture, business processes, political protocol, etc, is overwhelming and not easy to discern. Take the initiative to navigate your way through, rather than waiting for others to "deliver."
• Don't delete documents from the "All Documents" folder on your notes database unless you really want to delete them.
• Change your Lotus Notes e-mail set up to prompt you to save or not save your sent messages.
• Schedule two hours per week in your calendar to "surf" the IBM intranet.
• Get to know your HR advisors.
• Start your own book of "IBM terms" and SHARE them with other new employees
• Learn IBM's acronyms so you can talk the talk.
• Always be nice to everyone at work. You never know if they will be your boss some day. Or you might be theirs.
• Learn all you can. Continue education even if it is outside IBM (college at night).
• Don't take a position just because of the manager -- take it because of the work and the challenge. You don't know how long the manager will be there!
• Ask questions -- no one expects you to know everything immediately. By not asking, it'll be assumed you do!
• If you hear an IBM acronym, don't hesitate to say, "Pardon me, but I'm not sure what IGS, PSG, S&D, PBC, CEC, SMG, etc. means."
• If you will be visiting another IBM location, call ahead to find out what the dress policy is there. The dress may be more formal than your regular work location. Business casual is not everywhere.
• Network all the time -- never stop -- it could help your career.
• Maintain a log/journal of your daily activities including telephone contacts.
• Nothing lasts forever -- make the best of every situation.
• When you are asked to be on a team, always accept and do a great job. It will really get your name out there!
• Make sure you are familiar with IBM's intranet and what's out there.
• Become familiar with all IBM businesses, not just your own. We don't work in a box.
• Become a change agent for IBM. Challenge yourself, your colleagues and your management to recognize the opportunities and the problems they see around - them and then just go out and make positive changes for the company. There are plenty of examples in IBM where small teams with an idea and a passion to change things...just did it. They may not have had the resources or the authority to make these changes but they found a way to do it with passion and willpower.
• Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call anybody.
• Maintain ties to your university -- you never know when it will help IBM, the university, or you.
• Browse the IBM Research website often.
• Find a mentor ASAP -- preferably in a different IBM division than yours.
• Don't let the size of IBM intimidate you. Concentrate on making a positive contributions in your area and good things will happen.
• SURF! Visit IBM's myriad of Internet and intranet sites. Become familiar with each area of the business. I found that once I understood how the organization worked and a bit about what each division did, my job was a lot easier.
• Find another IBMer to "buddy" up with. They were in the same boat you are now, and may have some helpful hints and tips to navigate around the world of IBM.
• Befriend some very key team members -- administrative assistants, mailroom clerks and security staff. When you're short on time, they will be able to help you out of a million situations.
• Thank those people who have helped you out early on. Buy them a coffee, send a note to them and copy their manager. They'll appreciate your kudos and will be willing to help you again!
• Don't be afraid to ask questions. You'll find that most people love giving advice! (When you are uncertain about who to pose questions to, find a mom, they're used to it.)
• Listen carefully and ask questions -- don't wait until you leave the meeting to figure it out, ask while you have the "leader" in front of you.
• Meet as many people as you can. Build a network of people you can go to for help and be willing to offer help, too. In many cases, success in this company is about having strong relationships. This network of people will help you throughout your career.
• Be determined to have fun.
• Have guts -- and trust them.
• Don't promote the use of charts. In fact, advocate the opposite.
• Don't ever say escalate. And don't ever do it.
• Don't wait for the mountain to come to you -- move the mountain yourself.
• Remember that IBM partners with, competes against, sells to and buys from almost everyone.
• Take my idea and make it better. Better yet, have your own idea and ask me if I can improve upon it.
• Find something that's not being done and do it.
• Don't look for your next job, or compliments. Do good work and they'll find you.
• Create your "IBM story." In other words, if someone asked you "what's the deal with IBM?" what would you say?
• Spend time on the human resources site -- there's lots of good information there.
• Surf the web daily.
• No one will hold you back (when you want to get something done).
• Collaborate with your peers.
• Learn by doing.
• Mentor another employee.
• Join one of the Diversity Network Groups to meet other IBMers with a similar culture, race, background, etc.
• Say what you think, do what you say.
• It is nice to be important, it is more important to be nice.
• Nobody in this world is big enough to have the right to be arrogant.
• In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. Einstein
• Remember to acknowledge and thank colleagues for their input -- we all perform best when integrated, not in isolation.
• When you are trying to get a response back from someone and you need it quickly, use multiple paths. Send a note, call them, and go to their office if you are in the same location. They may be traveling, busy, or not have access to one channel or another.
• Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make them all yourself!
• Take into account that great achievements involve great risk.
• Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
• When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
• Spend some time alone every day.
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
• Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
• Write your notes AFTER the meeting, this will force you to listen.
• Organize a site tour for yourself and other new employees. It's a great way to understand how your position fits into the bigger picture and meet other new IBMers. Contact your local Human Resources representative to get a list of contacts and get started today!
• If you want to learn how to do something, don't just watch someone doing it. Ask them to let you do it yourself.
• To save time and prevent embarrassing errors when addressing internal IBM e-mail, use the USERID available in the BluePages instead of the full name, e.g. LUCYDG instead of Lucy DiGraziano.
• Being an entrepreneur is less a function of company size than attitude.
• Get a map of your site. Also, take new routes back to your office -- it helps youlearn your surroundings faster.
• Communication problems often hamper good technical and business judgement. Actively learn to communicate and articulate clearly and concisely, in both writing and speech. Practice it regularly.
• Volunteer for committees to review conference and journal literature in your field. It forces you to learn new ideas and helps build relationships with colleagues outside IBM.
• To get an exit row on an airplane (more leg room, more elbow room, more ThinkPad room!), show up at the gate as early as possible and request exit row seating. These seats cannot be preassigned, and often go quickly.
• Find ways to associate with colleagues in your field at other companies. Talk with them regularly and compare their operation to yours. Understand the differences and accentuate the ones that are superior.
• Do you need answers to business questions -- perhaps about a particular competitor or about an emerging new business opportunity? Some good places to start: send an e-mail to the Americas Market Intelligence Information Center at maconslt@us.ibm.com stating your research need. Or go to the InfoGate site and get access to search over 20,000 information sources including The Wall Street Journal, business wires and other worldwide content.

Bumper Stickers We Haven't Seen Yet

• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
• He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
• It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
• You can't have everything, where would you put it?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
• The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

MORE Bumper Stickers...

• If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
• Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home
• I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
• The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
• Illiterate? Write For Help
• Honk If Anything Falls Off
• Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
• Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
• Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?
• It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
• I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
• Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
• If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
• Thank You For Smoking Pot.
• If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
• Ax Me About Ebonics
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
• Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
• Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
• Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
• What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull

17 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by DAVE BARRY

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Your friends love you, anyway.

Things to Ponder

• "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."  --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
• "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
• "But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
• "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
• "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876.
• "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
• "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."  --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
• "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."  --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
• "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
• "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
• "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
• "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."  --Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
• "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?  You're crazy."  --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."  --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
• "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
• "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

Close your eyes...And go back...

Before the Internet or the MAC,

Before semi automatics and crack

Before chronic and indo

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo

Way back........

I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.

Sittin' on the porch,

Hot bread and butter.

Eatin' a baloney sandwich on Wonder Bread,

Red light, Green light.

Chocolate milk,  Lunch tickets,

Penny candy in a brown paper bag.

Hopscotch, butterscotch, doubledutch

Jacks, kickball, dodgeball, y'all!

Mother, May I?

Hula Hoops and Sunflower Seeds,

Jaw breakers, blowpops, Mary Janes,

Running through the sprinkler (I can't get

wet! All right, well don't

wet

my

hair....)

The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips....

Wait......

Catchin' lightening bugs in a jar,

Playin sling shot and Red Rover.

When around the corner seemed far away,

And going downtown seemed like going

somewhere.

Bedtime, Climbing trees,

A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers,

Cops and Robbers,

Cowboys and Indians,

Sittin on the curb,

Jumpin down the steps,

Jumpin on the bed.

Pillow fights

Being tickled to death

Runnin till you were out of breath

Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt

Being tired from playin'.... Remember that?

I ain't finished just yet...

What about the girl that had the big bubbly hand writing??

Licking the beaters when your mother made a cake.

Didn't that feel good..  just to go back and

say, Yeah, I remember that!

There's nothing like the good old days!

They were good then, and

they're good now when we think about them.

Share some of these thoughts with a friend

who can relate.

One can't be serious ALL the time, eh?

Remember when...

When there were two types of sneakers for

girls and boys (Keds & PF

Flyers), and the only time you wore them at

school, was for "gym."

When nearly everyone's mom was at home when

the kids got there.

When nobody owned a purebred dog.

When a quarter was a decent allowance, and

another quarter a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late

high school, if then.

When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all of your male teachers wore neckties

and female teachers had

their hair done, everyday.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil

checked, and gas pumped,

without asking, for free, every time. And,

you didn't pay for air.

And, you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses,

dishes or towels hidden

inside

the

box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or

feed him or use him to

carry groceries, and nobody, not even the

kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to

be taken out to dinner

at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a

grade if they failed ... and did!

When being sent to the principal's office

was nothing compared to the

fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.

Basically, we were in fear for our lives but

it wasn't because of

drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Disapproval of our parents and

grandparents was a much bigger threat!

TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY IN THE EARLY 2000s OFFICE

• BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.
• SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
• SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
• CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.
• OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.
• PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
• UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um, friend."
• BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
• CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
• IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
• PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
• SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
• STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
• STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
• GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
• CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
• G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc.
• DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."
• VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the THREE-FINGERED SALUTE.
• YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
• ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

You might live in Wisconsin if...

• You might be from Wisconsin if...
• You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
• Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.
• Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
• You refer to the Packers as we.
• At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm.
• You can make sense out the words upnort and Trivers.
• You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
• You can identify a Michigan accent.
• You know what cow-tipping  is.
• You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.
• Down South to you means Chicago.
• Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.
• The Big Three means Miller, Old Milwaukee & Pabst Blue Ribbon .
• A brat is something you eat.
• You were offended by the movie Fargo.
• You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat .
• You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
• You consider Madison exotic.
• You got a passport to go to Minnesota.
• Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers
• You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
• You've seen a hodag.
• You know that Gotham is a real city.
• You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc.
• You know what a bubbler is.
• The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.
• Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce.
• Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
• A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.
• You go out for fish fry every Friday.
• You go to work in a  snowsuit in the morning & return home wearing shorts.
• You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
• Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive into a giant beer mug.
• Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July.
• You know how to polka.
• You drink soda and refer to your dad as pop.
• Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap.
• You tried to tap the World's Largest Six Pack.
• You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
• You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August.
• You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.
• You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend.
• Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost
• You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it.
• You have more fishing  poles than teeth.
• You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
• You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon.
• You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
• You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
• You've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
• You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
• You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
• You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow.
• Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
• You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
• The local paper covers major headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 4 pages for sports.
• At least twice a year, yourkitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
• Your most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
• Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
• You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
• You head south to go to your cottage.
• You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
• You find 0 degrees a little chilly.
• The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
• You play hockey outdoors 10 months a year.
• Your hometown buys a Zamboni when they need a bus.
• You know what to do with a Blatz.
• You actually understand these jokes.
• You forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright

• All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
• Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
• Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
• If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
• Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
• If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
• If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
• If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
• What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Bill Gates says

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this. To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about  11 things they don't teach in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

• Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.
• Rule 2:  The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
• Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both.
• Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
• Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
• Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
• Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got  that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
• Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
• Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers and Christmas break off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
• Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
• Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

It's Fun To Cook

Monday:

Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:

Brian wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Brian brought a friend home for supper!

Wednesday:

A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:

Today Brian asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Brian asking me why I was rolling around in the garden?

Friday:

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:

Brian did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy!) For some reason Brian keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:

Brian's Dad came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for Roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Brian. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose".

Itzhak Perlman

On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City. If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches.  To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly,  is an unforgettable sight. He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant.  There was no mistaking what he had to do.

People who were there that night thought to themselves: "We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another string for this one."

But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes then signaled the conductor to begin again. The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never before. Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that. You could see him modulating, changing, recomposing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room.  And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said, not boastfullly, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone, "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the [way] of life - not just for artists but for all of us. Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds himself with only three strings. So he makes music with three strings, and the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful, more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."  And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Sound familiar?

How to bathe your cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Subject: How It Really Started

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can  trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"  And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.  But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's raiding as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.  And indeed did insist on making drums that would  work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said  Dot Com.. .and that is how it all began.

It wasn't Al Gore after all.

The End of the Internet

Found at: http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm

Congratulations! This is the last page.

Thank you for visiting the End of the Internet. There are no more links.

You must now turn off your computer and go do something productive.

Go read a book, for pete's sake.

DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.    
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
• Following the rules will not get the job done.
• Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
• When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
• No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
• The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

 Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me. . ." 

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

 I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always. 

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced. 

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. 

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Thoughts of the day

• God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
• All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON
• One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering interror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY
• One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS
• Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield,driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

Shay at bat

Here's a little story that should bring a tear to the eye.......

At a fund-raising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school's students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

"Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as the children do. Where is God's plan reflected in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like Shay into the world, an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself. And it comes in the way people treat that child."

Then, he told the following story:

Shay and I walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shay's father knew that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base. Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat.  Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even  know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman.  Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling,  "Shay, run to first.  Run to first." Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" By the time Shay was rounding first base, the rightfielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head.

Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay! Run home!" Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and was cheered as the hero, for hitting a "grandslam" and winning the game for the team. "That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."

Report from Green Bay

Reports from Green Bay say the Vikings are sending a team of representatives, lead by Fran Tarkenton to the NFL commissioner to plead the case they were "confused" Monday night, in their loss to Green Bay, and given the preponderance of game stats in their favor, they should be declared the winner, or at least be given the chance to replay the game.

"We outplayed the Packers across the board, with a yardage advantage of 407-298. Anybody who was there knows we played the better game and must be awarded our rightful victory." emphasized a Vikings spokesman, who went on:

"A game of this magnitude should NOT be decided on technical errors and freakish occurrences, when the Will of the Players was so obviously disenfranchised."

They are also considering a call to repeal the outdated and unfair "points scoring" system in favor of giving victory to the team the moves the ball the most yards.

Protesters have taken to the streets in Minneapolis affirming that it was the bad playing conditions at the time, including illegally long grass, not the Viking players that are responsible for the confusion that cost the Vikes the game. Most echoed sentiments that it is the grossest injustice to deny the Will of the Players when it was the obvious intent of the Forefathers of Football that the team that played the best should win, not who took unfair advantage of some old-fashioned scheme of scoring points that could turn on confusion and freak bounces completely beyond the players control.

AP reports that there is a quiet but confident air in Green Bay that the Packer win will be upheld. The Packers have sent Bart Starr and a group of their own representatives to meet with the Commissioner, and calmly assured Packer fans that the rules and traditions of the NFL would be affirmed.

Now you know...

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. (I have seen proof of this)
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is Screeched.
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament buildings is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose  name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,  stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.(Did you ever watch them twitch?  no doubt)
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The  characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.(Don't try it, your eyes fall out...Honest)
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr.  Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. (Mine usually have fewer due to huge gashes and cement burns removing them!)
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

No speeding ticket

A man got pulled over for speeding. The officer went up to the car and asked for his license. The man replied, "Don't have one. Got suspended on my fifth DUI." The officer asked, "Well, do you have the car's registration?" The man replied, "No, it's not my car. I stole it. But I do think I saw the papers in the glove box when I put my pistol in there." The officer asked, "Why do you have a pistol in the glove box?" The man replied, "I used it to kill the woman I stole the car from. Shot her and put her in the trunk."

The officer told the man to stay right where he was and went to radio his captain. Shortly the car was surrounded and the captain went up to the car.

The captain asked, "Sir may I see your license? The man handed it to him and it was current. The captain asked, "Do you have the registration to this car?" The man handed it to him and it was his car. The captain asked, "Do you have a gun in the glove box?" The man opened the glove box and showed him there was no gun. The captain asked, "Would you open the trunk?" The man opened the trunk and there was no body. The captain replied, "The officer over there said you had no license, no registration, a gun in the glove box, and a body in the trunk."

The man replied, "That lying Son of a Gun! I bet he told you I was speeding too."

Exceeding 100%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.

How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following.  IF:

• A = 1
• B = 2
• C = 3
• and so on until
• X = 24
• Y = 25
• Z = 26

Then:

• H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%

Similarly,

• K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%

But interestingly (and as you'd expect),

• A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.

But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

• B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!

The Keys To The Keyboard

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone and our computers were facing away from each other.  A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.  I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.  She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced.

"What the . . . " the teacher said.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc., etc, etc...

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a "C" in that class...

*----- Thought For Today: In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. - Proverbs 28:23

Subject: computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer ?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

My wish to you

 When I look at a patch of dandelions,

 I see a bunch of weeds that are going

 to take over my yard.

 My kids see flowers for Mom

 and blowing white fluff

 you can wish on..

 When I look at an old drunk

 and he smiles at me,

 I see a smelly, dirty person

 who probably wants money

 and I look away.

 My kids see someone

 smiling at them and they smile back.

 When I hear music I love,

 I know I can't carry a tune

 and don't have much rhythm

 so I sit self-consciously and listen.

 My kids feel the beat and move to it.

 They sing out the words.

 If they don't know them,

 they make up their own.

 When I feel wind on my face,

 I brace myself against it.

 I feel it messing up my hair and

 pulling me back when I walk.

 My kids close their eyes,

 spread their arms and fly with it,

 until they fall to the ground laughing.

 When I pray,

 I say thee and thou and grant me this,

 give me that.

 My kids say, "Hi God!

 Thanks for my toys and my friends.

 Please keep the bad dreams away tonight.

 Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet.

 I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

 When I see a mud puddle

 I step around it..

 I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.

 My kids sit in it.

 They see dams to build,

 rivers to cross

 and worms to play with.

 I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?

 No wonder God loves the little children!!

 "Enjoy the little things in life,

 for one day you may look back and

 realize they were the big things.."

 My wish to you....Mud Puddles and Dandelions

THE DAFFODIL PRINCIPLE....

Several times my daughter had telephoned to say, "Mother, you must come see the daffodils before they are over." I wanted to go, but it was a two-hour drive from Laguna to Lake Arrowhead. "I will come next Tuesday, " I promised, a little reluctantly, on her third call.

Next Tuesday dawned cold and rainy. Still, I had promised, and so I drove there. When I finally walked into Carolyn's house and hugged and greeted my grandchildren, I said, "Forget the daffodils, Carolyn! The road is invisible in the clouds and fog, and there is nothing in the world except you and these children that I want to see bad enough to drive another inch!"

My daughter smiled calmly and said, "We drive in this all the time, Mother." "Well, you won't get me back on the road until it clears, and then I'm heading for home!" I assured her. "I was hoping you'd take me over to the garage to pick up my car." "How far will we have to drive?"

"Just a few blocks," Carolyn said. "I'll drive. I'm used to this." After several minutes, I had to ask, "Where are we going? This isn't the way to the garage!" "We're going to my garage the long way," Carolyn smiled, "by way of the daffodils."

"Carolyn," I said sternly, "please turn around."

"It's all right, Mother, I promise. You will never forgive yourself if you miss this experience."

After about twenty minutes, we turned onto a small gravel road and I saw a small church. On the far side of the church, I saw a hand lettered sign that read, "Daffodil Garden."

We got out of the car and each took a child's hand, and I followed Carolyn down the path. Then, we turned a corner of the path, and I looked up and gasped. Before me lay the most glorious sight. It looked as though someone had taken a great vat of gold and poured it down over the mountain peak and slopes. The flowers were planted in majestic, swirling patterns -- great ribbons and swaths of deep orange, white, lemon yellow, salmon pink, saffron, and butter yellow. Each different coloured variety was planted as a group so that it swirled and flowed like its own river with its own unique hue.

There were five acres of flowers.

"But who has done this?" I asked Carolyn.

"It's just one woman," Carolyn answered. "She lives on the property. That's her home." Carolyn pointed to a well kept A-frame house that looked small and modest in the midst of all that glory. We walked up to the house. On the patio, we saw a poster. "Answers to the Questions I Know You Are Asking" was the headline.

The first answer was a simple one. "50,000 bulbs," it read.

The second answer was, "One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and very little brain."

The third answer was, "Began in 1958."

There it was. The Daffodil Principle. For me, that moment was a life changing experience.

I thought of this woman whom I had never met, who, more than forty years before, had begun -- one bulb at a time -- to bring her vision of beauty and joy to an obscure mountain top.

Still, just planting one bulb at a time, year after year, had changed the world. This unknown woman had forever changed the world in which she lived. She had created something of ineffable (indescribable) magnificence, beauty, and inspiration.

The principle her daffodil garden taught is one of the greatest principles of celebration. That is, learning to move toward our goals and desires one step at a time -- often just one baby step at a time -- and learning to love the doing, learning to use the accumulation of time. When we multiply tiny pieces of time with small increments of daily effort, we too will find we can accomplish magnificent things. We can change the world.

"It makes me sad in a way," I admitted to Carolyn. "What might I have accomplished if I had thought of a wonderful goal thirty-five or forty years ago and had worked away at it 'one bulb at a time' through all those years. Just think what I might have been able to achieve!"

My daughter summed up the message of the day in her usual direct way. "Start tomorrow," she said.

It's so pointless to think of the lost hours of yesterdays. The way to make learning a lesson of celebration instead of a cause for regret is to only ask, "How can I put this to use today?".....

Author Unknown

OUT OF CONTEXT: DISPOSABLE BRAINS

"Think back to 1947 when researchers at the University of Pittsburgh announced the world's largest computer at the time. It was called the ENIAC, and it took up multiple floors of space. It was on the cover of Time magazine with the headline 'Giant Brains.' Do you know what that same computational power is used for today? The Hallmark greeting cards you get that, when you open up, a tiny computer plays you a song. That tiny computer is the equivalent of the ENIAC supercomputer in terms of power and memory. Nobody in 1947 could have predicted that millions of ENIACs would be used for about 30 seconds then discarded."

-- Matt McMahon, IBM spokesman

Elmo joke (Tee Hee!!)

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the all-time best comeback lines in my life. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why,they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Haikus

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen:

Your file was so big.

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

-------------------------------------------

The Website you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.

-------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

-------------------------------------------

Program aborting:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

-------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

-------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

-------------------------------------------

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

--------------------------------------------

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

"MyNovel" not found.

--------------------------------------------

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao - until

You bring fresh toner.

--------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

--------------------------------------------

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

--------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

--------------------------------------------

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

--------------------------------------------

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

--------------------------------------------

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Subject: new software problem!

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House-cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Please help!

Desperate Dear Desperate,

Please keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME and then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, over use can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV sound files. DO NOT install Mother In Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it  in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Best come back line

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

Subject: Packer fan

There is this Packer fan who is married to Bears fan.

He loves her with all of his heart, but just can't get past the fact that she is a Bears fan and therefore, kinda slow. He thinks long and hard, and comes to a decision. As much as he loves Green Bay, he loves her more. He decides to become a Bears fan. After weeks of trying unsuccessfully to root for the Bears, he decides to enlist the aid of a doctor.

"Doc, I want to become a Bears fan, is there any way you can do it?" the man asks.

"Well, it's quite simple, I just have to remove 1/3 of your brain, but it is a very dangerous procedure.

Are you sure you want to do this?" the Doctor asks.

"I have no other choice." the man says. He wants to have the surgery right away.

The doctor begins the procedure. During the operation, his hand slips, and he cuts out too much of the poor Packer fan's brain. While the man is recuperating, the doctor is pacing around his bedside. The man starts to stir.

The doctor rushes over and says "Sir! I am so sorry, during the surgery I mistakenly removed 2/3 of your brain!"

The man looks up at the doctor with a big smile on his face and says, "GO VIKINGS!"

TRUE HISTORY OF THE WORLD AND WISCONSIN

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel impressed by God's work, then pointed to a particularly pretty place and asked, "What's that one?" "WISCONSIN", the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, exquisite grasslands and a particularly beautiful place the people will call the "DELLS". The people from Wisconsin are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? ...You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiny-assed, arrogant piss-ants I'm putting next to them in ILLINOIS and MINNESOTA."

Live for now

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with... and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting...

• Until your car or home is paid off
• Until you get a new car or home
• Until your kids leave the house
• Until you go back to school
• Until you finish school
• Until you lose 10 lbs.
• Until you gain 10 lbs.
• Until you get married
• Until you get a divorce
• Until you have kids
• Until you retire
• Until summer
• Until spring
• Until winter
• Until fall
• Until you die

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching.

If Your Car Was a Computer

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"
....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

• Spades - King David
• Hearts - Charlemagne
• Clubs - Alexander, the Great
• Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota

The Recruit

Fifty-one years ago Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain Man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in Basic,
the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Deep Thoughts

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
6. Life is sexually transmitted.
7. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
8. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
9. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
18. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Good Advice

George Carlin's wife recently passed away. He wrote the following piece. Typically sharp, and some good advice. by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all, mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 people....who cares? -George Carlin

A Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" she asked. "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." I answered.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

"Oh." she answered. We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"Oh, I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Get a Smile From This

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee (Hardly seems worth it)
2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
4. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
5. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
6. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
7. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field
8. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
9. Butterflies taste with their feet.
10. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
11. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
12. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
13. A cat's urine glows under a black light.
14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
15. Starfish have no brains.
16. Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

2003 Top Morons

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
   AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
   
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
   Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
   
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
   An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
   
4. THE GETAWAY!
   A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
   
5. DID I SAY THAT???
   Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
   
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
   A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!
   
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
   In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.(hellllllooooooo!)
   
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
   Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE . Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.