 |
|
|
|
created by: Brian R. Smith on 2006May19
modified: 2007Jan22
I have been collecting Internet jokes for as long as I have been connected to the Internet (which has been a long time - before the world wide web was invented, for sure). Please enjoy my collection of text jokes (1) and more text jokes (2), and even more text jokes (you are here), and another text jokes file (4)!
Bubba and Billy JoeBubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each."Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..." The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry-cleaners."  Comments made in the year 1955
Random thoughtsNUDITYI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear." Letter to DadA father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands."Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad! She's pregnant! Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, your son, John. P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home." A biker was riding along a California beachA biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" Subject: CowboyA cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... Now give me back my dog." CONVERTING A BEARA priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism . Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took OLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." Lovely blonde wifeNorman and his lovely blonde wife live in Milwaukee . One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out and Norman 's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With all the love and understanding in his voice that only a man who is married to a blonde can exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" The half-witA man owned a large farm in Iowa. The State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $400 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week to keep him going," replied the farmer. "That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent. The farmer said, "That would be me." Having reached the age of 65Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the front of the line. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the night stand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said," That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application. When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too." Subject: Summertime in ArizonaYou know you are in ARIZONA during the summertime when:
These people voteA guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it. Caution! These people Vote======= While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". She ALSO votes! ========== I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, " Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" He ALSO votes! ========== My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". She ALSO votes! ========== My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes! ========== My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... He ALSO votes! ========== I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. My friend ALSO votes! ========= I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" SHE ALSO votes!
SOUTHERN GRANDMALawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
Senior Citizens Are ValuableWe are more valuable than any of the younger generations:We have silver in our hair. We have gold in our teeth. We have stones in our kidneys. We have lead in our feet and .... We are loaded with natural gas! Bill and HillaryWhen Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." Rude AmericanThe train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?".The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant." This time the Marine did not say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place." An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong female out the window. Ted Nugent on Deer HuntingTed was being interviewed by a French journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?'" Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to mate with next, and can I run fast enough to get away.They are very much like the French." Slow DownA lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy in Houston. He thinks he's smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop. That's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving stuffing out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterdayPlease join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crummy day and kneads it. Alligator warningThe Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in: Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee, Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.The World's Best Blonde JokeA blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays, "God! Please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes, and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays: "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself. "Sweetheart, work with me on this. Buy a ticket." Understanding EngineersUnderstanding Engineers 1To the optimist, the glass is half full.To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers 2A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers 3What is the difference between mechanical engineers, electrical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Electrical engineers build the guidance control circuits. Civil engineers build targets.Understanding Engineers 4Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."Understanding Engineers 5The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers 6Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"Understanding Engineers 7Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough parts yet.Understanding Engineers 8An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." The New SupermarketAnnouncing new sites and smells in the produce department...The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. hen you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. hen you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. he veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don't buy toilet paper there any more. Andy, the Computer guyI was having trouble with my computer. So I called Andy, the Computer guy, to come over. Andy clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" The computer guy grinned . . . "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out . . . I D 1 0 T I used to like Andy . . . My mother taught me1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds." 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy." 8. Don't use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go ." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not in the Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom." 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!" 18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache. 7. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. North versus SouthThe North has coffee houses; the South has Waffle Houses.The North has dating services; the South has family reunions. The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails. The North has double last names; the South has double first names. The North has Indy car races; the South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits. The North has green salads; the South has collard greens The North has lobsters; the South has crawfish. The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.. FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . . In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store . . . do not buy food at this store. Remember, "you" is singular, "y'all" is plural, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. What is a Lexophile?Playing with words, making up words, messing with common phrases, making and appreciating puns and metaphors, taking things literally for comic effect, rhyming things.1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. When she got married she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 16. A calendar's days are numbered. 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. 25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. THOUGHTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY1. Save the whales! Collect the whole set!2. A day without sunshine is like... night! 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers! 4. I just got lost in thought! It wasn't familiar territory! 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot! 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name! 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe! 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet! 9. Remember, half the people you know are below average! 10. He who laughs last didn't get the joke! 11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm! 12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap! 13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol! 14. Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have! 15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week! 16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory! 17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines! 18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! 19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow! 20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments! 22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand! 23. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something! 26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane! 27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now! 28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film! 29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines! 32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 33. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out! 34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder! 35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened! 37. Light travels faster than sound! That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!
Hollywood Squares, ahh the good ole' daysIf you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.Q.Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q.According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q.What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget. Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q.It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Halloween humorA man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears:BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him faster... faster... BUMP.. BUMP... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, The coffin stops! Country preacher - teenage sonAn old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The son tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!" Sign of the TimesScenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack. 2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled. 2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students. 1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class. 2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping. 1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. 2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school. 1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock. 2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant. 1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers. 2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English. 1973 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. 2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed . 1973 - Ants die. 2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him. 1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Nine thoughts about 2006Number 9 - Life is sexually transmitted.Number 8 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? Number 2 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
HOLIDAY CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Safari Story (or one smart poodle)A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
IRS AuditThe IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it" says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he trains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and urinate all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Do you feel old?This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...1975: Long hair 2006: Longing for hair 1975: KEG 2006: EKG 1975: Acid rock 2006: Acid reflux 1975: Moving to California because it's cool 2006: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1975: Seeds and stems 2006: Roughage 1975: Hoping for a BMW 2006: Hoping for a BM 1975: Going to a new, hip joint 2006: Receiving a new hip joint 1975: Rolling Stones 2006: Kidney Stones 1975: Being called into the principal's office 2006: Calling the principal's office 1975: Screw the system 2006: Upgrade the system 1975: Disco 2006: Costco 1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1975: Passing the drivers' test 2006: Passing the vision test 1975: Whatever 2006: Depends
Guide DogsTwo old girls were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there, we've got dogs with us." But the one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a stupid Chihuahua ???!!!"
2006 Darwin AwardsThese awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think... until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.------------------------------------------------------ 5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3:00 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubbell crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. ---------------------------------------------------- 4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death. ----------------------------------------------------- 3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him. ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the.22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. ----------------------------------------------------- 1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. ------------------------------------------------------ Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: The late John Pernicky and his friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for the late Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. Hisfall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen! You win! And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool.
Little known facts about MinnesotaMINNESOTA BECAME THE 32ND STATE ON MAY 11, 1858 AND WAS ORIGINALLY SETTLED BY A LOST TRIBE OF NORWEGIANS SEEKING REFUGE FROM THE SEARING HEAT OF WISCONSIN'S WINTERS.THE STATE FLAG OF MINNESOTA CONSISTS OF A BLUE BACKGROUND UPON WHICH SITS A DESIGN BEST DESCRIBED AS "HOW A 7-YEAR- OLD CITY GIRL WOULD DRAW A PICTURE TITLED 'LIFE ON THE FARM'". MINNESOTA GETS IT'S NAME FROM THE SIOUX INDIAN WORD "MAH-NEE-SOO-TAH",MEANING "NO, REALLY, THEY EAT FISH SOAKED IN LYE". THE STATE SONG OF MINNESOTA IS "SOMEDAY THE VIKINGS WILL... AW, NEVER MIND". THE MALL OF AMERICA IN BLOOMINGTON , MINNESOTA COVERS 9.5 MILLION SQUARE FEET AND HAS ENOUGH SPACE TO HOLD 185,000 IDIOT TEENAGERS YAPPING AWAY ON CELL PHONES. COKATO, MINNESOTA IS KNOWN AS "THE LUTEFISK CAPITAL OF THE WORLD".AVOID THIS CITY AT ALL COSTS. "THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW" WAS SET IN MINNEAPOLIS , MINNESOTA , AND WAS MARY'S FIRST REAL ACTING JOB SINCE LEAVING THE "DICK VAN DYKE SHOW". THE SHOW -ABOUT A SINGLE WOMAN'S STRUGGLE TO FIND HAPPINESS IN THE BIG CITY, WAS ORIGINALLY TITLED "LIFE WITHOUT DICK", BUT THAT WAS CHANGED FOR SOME REASON. THE STATE MOTTO OF MINNESOTA IS, "WHERE EVEN A MAN WHO WEARS A FEATHER BOA CAN GROW UP TO BE GOVERNOR." DOWNTOWN MINNEAPOLIS HAS AN ENCLOSED SKYWAY SYSTEM COVERING 52 BLOCKS, ALLOWING PEOPLE TO LIVE, WORK, EAT, AND SLEEP WITHOUT EVER GOING OUTSIDE. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE TO THIS IS THAT A NORWEGIAN OCCASIONALLY TURNS UP MISSING. CARTOONIST CHARLES M. SHULTZ WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS , MINNESOTA , AND WAS THE ONLY ARTIST TO ACCURATELY DEPICT THE PERFECTLY CIRCULAR HEADS OF MINNESOTA NATIVES. THE HORMEL COMPANY OF AUSTIN , MINNESOTA PRODUCES 6 MILLION CANS OF SPAM A YEAR, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ACTUALLY EATS THE STUFF. WATER SKIS WERE INVENTED IN 1922 IN LAKE CITY , MINNESOTA BY RALPH SAMUELSON. SADLY, HE DROWNED SHORTLY AFTERWARDS, AS THE MOTORBOAT HADN'T BEEN INVENTED YET. ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED "PIG'S EYE", AFTER FRENCH CANADIAN WHISKEY TRADER PIERRE "PIG'S EYE" PARRANT. ITS " TWIN CITY ", MINNEAPOLIS , WAS KNOWN AS "PIG'S SPHINCTER". THE STAPLER WAS INVENTED IN SWINGLINE , MINNESOTA BY A CHUBBY, MUMBLING MAN NAMED MILTON IN 1899. THE CITY WAS MYSTERIOUSLY DESTROYED BY FIRE LATER THAT YEAR. PELICAN RAPIDS IS HOME TO A 16-FOOT-TALL CONCRETE PELICAN, WHICH SUBSISTS ON A DIET OF 4-FOOT-LONG CONCRETE FISH. IN 1973, OLIVIA , MINNESOTA , ERECTED A 25-FOOT TALL FIBERGLASS CORN COB TO CELEBRATE ITS RICH, AGRICULTURAL HERITAGE. THEN IN 1974, IT WAS EATEN BY A 50-FOOT STATUE OF BABE THE BLUE OX. YES, MINNESOTA HAS A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH STATUE CANNIBALISM. MINNESOTA LICENSE PLATES ARE BLUE & WHITE AND CONTAIN THE PHRASE "BLIZZARDS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY - YOU GET USED TO IT." FRANK C. MARS, FOUNDER OF THE MARS CANDY CO. WAS BORN IN NEWPORT , MINNESOTA . HIS 3 MUSKETEERS CANDY BAR ORIGINALLY CONTAINED THREE BARS IN ONE WRAPPER, EACH FILLED WITH A DIFFERENT FLAVOR NOUGAT - CHOCOLATE, SPAM, AND LUTEFISK. THE FIRST FULLY AUTOMATIC POP-UP TOASTER WAS INVENTED IN MINNEAPOLIS , MINNESOTA IN 1926. MINNESOTA 'S STRINGENT BREAD-CONTROL LAWS CURRENTLY ONLY ALLOW RESIDENTS TO OWN SEMI-AUTOMATIC TOASTERS. TONKA TRUCKS CONTINUE TO BE MANUFACTURED IN MINNETONKA , MINNESOTA , DESPITE THE THOUSANDS OF GI JOE DOLLS KILLED BY THEM ANNUALLY IN ROLLOVER ACCIDENTS. NO AIRBAGS, NO SEAT BELTS. THESE THINGS ARE DEATHTRAPS, I TELL YA! AUTHOR LAURA INGALLS WILDER WAS BORN IN WALNUT CREEK, MINNESOTA, AND WAS FAMOUS FOR WRITING THE "LITTLE HOUSE" SERIES OF BOOKS, AS WELL AS INVENTING THE "SPAM DIET" - WHICH CONSISTS OF LOOKING AT A PLATE OF SPAM UNTIL YOU LOSE YOUR APPETITE. MUCH LIKE THE "LUTEFISK DIET". THE SNOWMOBILE WAS INVENTED IN ROSEAU , MINNESOTA SO AS TO ALLOW FAMILIES A MEANS OF ATTENDING INDEPENDENCE DAY PICNICS. MINNESOTANS ARE , ALMOST INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM WISCONSINITES. THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THEM APART IS TO ASK IF THEY VOTED FOR MONDALE IN '84.
TEN BEST CADDY REPLIES# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" # 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on thiscourse." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." # 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." # 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." # 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." # 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's toomuch of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." # 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game ?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." # 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." # 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment..... Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
JokesMy husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.--------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. I'm going crazy. What do you think should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
QUIZ QUESTIONA contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answeredincorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected, the million-dollar question was no pushover. Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? A. the condor B. the buzzard C. the cuckoo D. the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. To make matters worse, she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer." Regis said, "That answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because you knew the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
|
