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created by: Brian R. Smith on 2007Jan22
modified: 2007Aug16
I have been collecting Internet jokes for as long as I have been connected to the Internet (which has been a long time - before the world wide web was invented, for sure). Please enjoy my collection of text jokes (1) and more text jokes (2), and even more text jokes (3), and another text jokes file (you are here)!
Eleven peoplewere hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands..... 
Got to Love ArkansasA guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to hisbeloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14. How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead." How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas ........ Documentaries. An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?" Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them. A new law was recently passed in Arkansas . When a couple gets divorced,they are STILL cousins.
Sunday school testI was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
Ronald Reagan"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan "Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. Was too strong." - Ronald Reagan "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."- Ronald Reagan "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan "The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan "I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan "No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. - Ronald Reagan "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
Know Your State's Motto!Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: Yes, But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas: Lituracy Ain't Everythang. California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only smaller Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills. Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt! Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections! Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum. Texas: Se Hable Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Our Governor Can Out-fraud Your Governor! West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese! Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared The District of Columbia: The Work-Free Drug Place! The Blue PigeonThe mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But,you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question. The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue <<insert ethnic group here>>?" Ole's new cowOle is a farmer in Minnesota and is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakoda. (That would be ' North Dakota ' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).He drives to Nordakoda, finds the farm, and looks at the cow; she’s a fine heifer and looks healthy. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts. Ole’s not too surprised as cows are likely to do that on occasion, but he found that every time he pulled a teat, the cow farts. Ole looked wonderingly at the farmer who says, “Ya, well, she does that sometimes ya know.” Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take her home. When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Sven arrives, admires the cow and Ole says, “Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven grins at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakoda, didn't yah?" Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right, but how da heck did you know dat?" Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota." Thanks for the memories (Bob Hope)Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill". ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them." ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'." ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." ON HIS FAMIL Y'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff t h e audience threw at me." ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality." THINGS YOU MIGHT KNOW1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle." 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller. 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled. 8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister. 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog. 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode. 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww). 14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. 16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters. 17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. (Hence, multitasking was invented.) 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood. 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before! 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver! 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips. 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" movie was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies , you have $1.19 , you also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know). 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. (and you thought this list was completely useless). 27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola. 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying. 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. 33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. 34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ........ "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J.Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around, and Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail." BoudreauxThere is no quicker sale then when an Insurance Salesman uses logic.Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch. Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont mo , den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000." "NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?" GOOD POINT?A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
Dear Dogs and CatsTo be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"nature.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college And finally, 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. Catholic HorsesOne day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track , and when he found the priest, he demanded, 'What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!' The priest nodded wisely and said, 'That's the problem with Protestants! --you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites. Dancing with the StarsThe Lone Ranger and Tonto stop in the desert for the night. After they get their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it is evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then says "Kemo Sabe, it tell me you dumber than Buffalo -someone stole tent." Farmer ClydeA farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde."Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" "Now what would you say? The Norwegian and the Wagon TrainHere's for all of you who haven't heard a good Norwegian joke lately:Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree. The wagon train leader asked, "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere." The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me." The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Uf-da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree... It vuz a ham bush." A Texan walks into a bank in New York CityA Texan walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Texan hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Texan produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Texan for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Texan returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Texan replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" And folks say Texans are dumb. Ponderisms1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in aswimming pool? 3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 10.Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for their final exam. 16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out of her nose? 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 24.As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"? New CEOA company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's. Great Humor1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. 5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. 7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal. 9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. 10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. 11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A. 12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. 13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. 14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. 15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. 16. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway) The Boy and the FatherA little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar..." Talking DogA guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. " You know you're a redneck when...1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. Anger managementWhen you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right ***** number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that ANYONE could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a butthead!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'butthead' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a butthead!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'butthead' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a butthead!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first butthead (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW butthead, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're a butthead!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two buttheads to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called butthead #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're a butthead!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Butthead, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow house, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, butthead," and hung up. Then I called Butthead #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, butthead," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your butt," I answered, "Well, butthead, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down On Oaktree Boulevard in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two buttheads beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work. WormsA minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" In-flight humor Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. 7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!" 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (I hope these guys have some kind of insurance...) Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name? ---------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from? The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." --------------------------------------------------------- "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week". "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." -------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids". ----------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder. 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." ----------------------------------------------------------- Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." ---------------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS" ------------------------------------------------------------ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one. He's still in intensive care. CRITICAL THINKING TEST 1. Is it legal in your state for a man to marry his widow's sister? 2. Can man living in the United States be buried in Ireland? 3. Do they have 4th of July in England? 4. Do Xmas and New Year's Day come in the same year? 5. Some month's have 30 days, some 31. How many have 28? 6. In this country, how many birthdays does average man have? 7. What four words appear on every US coin? 8. What 2 US coins total 55 cents in vaIue, one not being a nickel? 9. How much is 30 divided by 1/2 plus 10? 10. How much is 5 times 5 times 0 times 2 times 2? 11. You go to bed 9 at night and set alarm to get up at 10 in the morning.How many hours are you in bed before the alarm goes off? 12. Doctor gives you 3 pills to take one each half hour. How long will pills last? 13. You have one match entering room in which there is kerosene lamp, oil heater, and wood burning stove. Which do you light first? 14. Man builds rectangular hourse, each side of which has a southern exposure. Bear wanders by. What color is bear? 15. How far can dog run into the woods? 16. What is minimum number of active players on the field during any part of an inning? 17. How many outs in each inning of baseball game? 18. Farmer has 17 sheep, All but 9 died, How many lives did he have left? 19. Two men played checkers. Each played 5 games and each won same number of games. No draws. How could that be? 20. Take 2 apples from 3 apples, What do you have ? 21. ArcheoIogist found gold coin dated 56 B.C. At that date was it possible to make such a coin? 22. Woman gives beggar a quarter. Woman is beggar's sister but beggar is not woman's brother, How come? 23. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark? 24. If dirt weighs 100 lbs. per cu ft., what is weight of dirt in hole 2 ft. square by 2 ft. deep? 25. What does SOS stand for? 26. Captain Kidd was hanged for what crime? 27. To who's conception does "Immaculate Conception" refer? 28. Is song, ''My Country, 'Tis of Thee", in waltz musical form? 29. At which of the four seasons is the sun nearest to earth? 30. In World War I, who said to the French, "Lafayette, we are here"? 31. In song "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen", where should the comma be? 32. Which of following substance do plants depend on for almost 100% of their food? Rock, air, soil, bacteria? 33. How were witches put to death in early Salem, Massachusetts? 34. Which of following phrases most accurately describes the word "Xmas"? Reverent, lrreverent, ancient, commercialized? 35. What word, if any, is mispelled in these questions? Answers: 1. If wife is widow, man is dead 2. No. He is still alive. 3. Yes, between the 3rd and the 5th 4. Yes, Jan 1st and Dec 25th 5. All 12 6. One. The rest are anniversaries 7. United States of America 8. Half and nickel. The half is not a nickle. 9. Seventy 10. Zero 11. One 12. One hour 13. Match 14. White - polar bear. House is on North Pole. 15. Half way - then starts to run out 16. Ten. Nine plus batter. 17. Six. 3 each half-inning 18. One. "He" is the farmer. 19. Did not play each other 20. Two apples 21. Before birth of Christ there was no B.C. 22. It is sister 23. It was not Moses 24. Zero. Hole is empty space. 25. SOS does not stand for anything. Merely easily transmitted and understood. 26. Murder 27. Refers to conception of Mary, not Jesus. 28. Yes 29. Winter - less heat because rays come down on slant. 30. Chas E. Stanton, American Chief Distributing Office 31. After word "Merry" 32. Air. Soil only provides trace of mineral foods 33. Most hanged - none burned 34. Reverent form - from early Greek Church 35. "Mispelled" should be misspelled. SIGNS OF THE TIMES..... >> >>Did I read that sign right? >>TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW >> >>In a Laundromat: >>AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE >>LIGHT GOES OUT >> >>In a London department store: >>BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS >> >>In an office: >>WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT >>BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN >> >>In an office: >>AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN >>ON THE DRAINING BOARD >> >>Outside a secondhand shop: >>WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT >>BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? >> >>Notice in health food shop window: >>CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS >> >>Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) >>ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR >> >>Seen during a conference: >>FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY >>CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR >> >>Notice in a farmer's field: >>THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. >> >>Message on a leaflet: >>IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS >> >>On a repair shop door: >>WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL >>DOESN'T WORK) |
